how hopeful...

And yet, and yet: how hopeful each individual person is every time again, how real, how well intentioned, how rich. When one then looks at the confused and dreary crowd, it is impossible to grasp that the individual loses himself there in this way as if without a trace.

- Rainer Maria Rilke, The Poet's Guide to Life: The Wisdom of Rilke

Lots of my New World Symphony colleagues have been heading off for auditions in recent weeks, flying off to all corners of the country and beyond. Just as in that Rilke quote, they all leave hopeful, real, well intentioned - maybe not rich in net worth, but definitely with a wealth of musical ideas! An audition can be a confused and dreary crowd, though, and you hate to see people return back diminished. So many of my friends have gotten very close, and made great strides - still, there's a sense of disappointment when they don't get that final yes!

I've been thinking a lot about Danny Matsukawa's idea of a "musical mission" as I pack and get ready to take my own audition - in Calgary this weekend. I have a lot of hopes and expectations for myself, but I'm trying to not let too many of them hinge on the final outcome, which I can't control. I want to play with a real sense of confidence, of phrasing and line and beautiful sound, and really show how I can play. I want to present the kind of audition that makes people stop checking notes, allows them to sit back and relax and enjoy a real performance. Even writing these hopes down seems a like an act of courage - I know it's a lot to ask of myself. But I know the music, I've prepared it well, and that faith can help guide me, I hope!

I won't have Dan Wakin to report on this audition, and my computer won't be coming along either - but when I get back next week, I'll try and write more about it. I've been a little negligent of the blog, these last couple weeks, but I'm grateful that so many people have kept checking in and reading the few scraps I've written!

Here's one more Rilke quote, which helps remind me of a larger purpose in all this self-absorbed navel-gazing:

Before a human being thinks of others he must have been unapologetically himself; he must have taken the measure of his nature in order to master it and employ it for the benefit of others like himself.