press secretary for the common man

Yesterday, while driving back to Kent, I was listening to NPR news and admiring the performance of White House press secretary Scott McClellan. Mr. McClellan has an incredible ability to deflect, delay, and generally discombobulate all the press corps' most difficult questions. Often he does this not so much by what he says but by his manner of speech, especially the use of long, unnecessary pauses which somehow convey the impression. Of unimpeachable honesty. And forthrightness.

Obviously, not everyone can have such a skillful press secretary. I started to imagine, though, what the world might be like if we could. Here are three scenes from the imagined life of a teenager named George:

George's mom: Didn't I ask you yesterday to take the garbage out? Were you planning on doing that anytime soon?

George: Uh, yeah, I guess, but uh...well....was I awake?

George's press secretary: George is not going to set any arbitrary timetable for taking the garbage out. I can assure you, however, that George is now one day closer to taking the garbage out than he was yesterday.

George's sister: Did you pee on the toilet seat again? George, that's soooooo gross!

George: Oops.

George's press secretary: I look forward to talking about the toilet seat at some point, Amy, it's an important question and I'm glad you've brought it up, we are all very eager to discuss the matter fully. But it's not the appropriate time - I don't think it's helpful for me from this podium to get into discussing what is an ongoing investigation. I think it's most helpful for me to not comment while that investigation continues. I don't think we should be prejudging the outcome of any investigation at this point.

George's boss: You're late for work again! How do you expect me to keep you on the payroll if I can't depend on you to show up on time?

George: Uh...I dunno.

George's press secretary: First of all, George wants to express his great admiration for the management of Wacky Jack's Taco Shack. They have shown remarkable resolve, fortitude, and tenacity in continuing to employ George in the face of vicious, unprovoked attacks from co-workers like Tracy and Franco from the night shift.

Now, let me back up - you raised the question of, can the management of Wacky Jack's Taco Shack depend on George? Well, let me assure you, anyone working here has Wacky Jack's complete confidence. George would not be working at Jack's Shack. If the George did not have. The complete. Confidence.

Of Wacky Jack.