Thursday, September 29, 2005

Crichton's testimony: truth, or science fiction?

As reported in the New York Times, science-fiction writer Michael Crichton testified before Congress yesterday to debunk global warming, and promote his recent thriller State of Fear. Maybe now we can turn to some of the real dangers that are threatening Americans:

Angry talking gorillas

Anyone who has read Crichton's 1980 novel Congo can testify to the terror of these African beasts, especially when guarding mysterious supernatural diamonds. The Department of Homeland Security needs a special branch dedicated to gorilla linguistics and advanced primate diplomacy.

Alien spacecraft on the ocean floor

As described in Crichton's 1987 novel Sphere, the spacecraft might contain a mysterious spherical chamber - when someone enters the sphere, they attain an incredible psychic power to impose their own version of reality on the world around them. Should such a thing be discovered, it is proposed that we surround the spacecraft with federal troops and only allow radio personalities Rush Limbaugh and Michael Reagan to enter.

Sexual harrassment by your hot female boss

There are ex-girlfriends all around us - some may even supervise our employment! Are we prepared for the romantic intrigue and sexual manipulation sure to ensue, threatening America's continued productivity? Read Crichton's 1993 novel Disclosure and write your congressman (or woman!) right away.

Reconstituted dinosaurs

All that gene research stuff might sound innocent enough - but did you know they might have dinosaur genes? Can we afford to let them build a secluded theme park in the South Pacific with their supposedly "secure" reptilian clones, as they do in Crichton's Jurassic Park and The Lost World? Hadn't we better start a new Department of Homeland Dinosaur Extermination with broad military powers, and shut down all that creepy scientific research stuff once and for all?

As you can see, we have some much more pressing issues to address before worrying about climate change. Even if the polar ice caps are melting, and the coasts may all be flooded within our lifetimes, and hurricanes are on the rise, it's not going to rip us to shreds like a hungry, ravaging velociraptor. Or is it? Velociraptors can't swim, can they?

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