the state of my personal union

My fellow Americans, though this evening I stand before you in troubled times, I can say with ambivalent certainty that the state of my personal union is strong. (pause for applause)

I know that my critics will point to my lack of a full-time job, a girlfriend, or anything much in savings, and my falling approval ratings since I dressed up as a broken levee this past Halloween. I intended the costume as a thoughtful and timely tribute to the suffering of New Orleanians, but apparently many people felt I just taped a bunch of sticks, tiles and dirt to my clothing, in a typically lame and half-assed gesture.

However, beneath these dark clouds, I believe, there is a bright new day blooming out into the rose-tinted sunset, to coin a phrase. For example, I was able to pay off my entire credit card balance this month, thanks to my decision not to give holiday gifts to any of you, my treasured friends and family. I know you all appreciate this fiscal discipline, and also my judicious restraint in not calling any of you on the phone unless I need to ask for money or large personal favors.

I also can report that, contrary to rumors of my decline in popularity, I now have an all-time high of 454 messages in my e-mail spam folder, offering everything from discount software and pharmaceuticals to a picture of something called an 'islamic leafy cowslip'. I barely have time to even read the subject lines, there are so many of them. This, certainly, is not the spam folder of any reclusively friendless loser.

In short, the state of my personal union is strong and forthright and only growing in forthrightitude. I thank you for your attention, good night and God bless.

(If anyone would like to contribute an opposition rebuttal to the state of my union, please put it in a comment or e-mail and I'll post it up.)